Today is the first time I cried over a celebrity. Robin Williams bought so much joy to my life growing up. They’re saying it’s suicide. While there is no official statement on that, just the possibility hits my heart hard, it’s something very close to me.
I remember watching an interview he did 10 years ago on one of the late-shows (it was either Conan or Leno, I can’t remember which) and I remember thinking I could see pain in his eyes. Followed by radiant joy whenever he’d get laughs. He reminded me of myself… Talking continuously, making stupid jokes (except him being good at it) to cover-up the fact he was dying on the inside, or to search for acceptance from the people around him.
I remember feeling shaken when thinking this and thinking to myself “nah, you’re just trying to project what you’re feeling onto an idol to relate”. I don’t know why that memory sticks with me now so much. I don’t know why I’m mentioning it now. But I can’t get that pained look from his eyes out of my head. I don’t remember many details from that interview, but the expression in his eyes switching between torture, wanting and 100% joy stuck with me.
All I know is that the world is worse off than it was 24 hours ago and I want to lay in a ball and sleep for the next year.